Another year bubbles our lives down the gurgler, and we ain't dead yet.
But before we join hands and bellow Auld Lang Syne, the pundits must sniff the entrails of 2015, and release their Top 10 lists of who did well, and who didn't.
The media is mad about lists. We publish lists rating anything that counts, and far more that doesn't. There'll be lists of the top 10 books, movies, and restaurants.
The dreariest TV dungers, the meatiest pies, and the saddest politicians. It's time to blame someone for this foolishness - and the Bible's Moses should carry the can.
When Moses trudged down from the mountain with the stone tablets, he brought 10 commandments. Ten. Exactly.
This smells odd. Why 10? Why not eight or, far more likely, 194? Ten is too tidy a tally. My own scholarly analysis of the Bible's book of Exodus, suggests that when God dictated his list to Moses, he ran out of puff after eight.‘‘OK Moses, first we rationalise the god industry,'' God began.
‘‘There's far too many gods, and it messes with our credibility. Did you know there's gods for cats, frogs, and hippos? So we'll amalgamate. Write down: ‘Thou shalt have no other god before me'.'' Moses, trained in Pitman's Chisel, began tapping industriously, his tablet perched on his knee.
‘‘So if you're the one god, should I spell you with a capital G?'' he suggested.‘‘Excellent. That shows proper respect. Now what else? I'll forbid murder, theft, lying, and blasphemy. Plus adultery - it's in poor taste,'' said God.
‘‘But I don't want only naysaying. God shouldn't seem a killjoy - we should also have sunlight. ‘So ‘Be nice to your mum and dad,' would be good. Chisel that in, and while we're being pleasant, I give everyone the Sabbath off. Peasants, bankers - the lot.''
‘‘That'll cause traffic jams at the beach,'' thought Moses, but stayed mum. God had reached eight commandments. Moses hammered in the numeral 9, and waited.
‘‘That covers it,'' said God, getting up, and dusting down his cloud. ‘‘The Eight Commandments. You can lay down your chisel and rest.''
‘‘But eight's not enough,'' cried Moses, horrified. ‘‘A list should be a round number like 10 or 100. I'm told the Philistines are working up a Top 20. Surely we can match them?''
‘‘Well there's only eight commandments needed,'' said God. ‘‘What else could you possibly want? I forbid snoring?''
‘‘No. But there's heaps of sin you've missed,'' spluttered Moses. ‘‘If the ordinary folk catch on, there'll be chaos. Gays will be gay, and fornicators go unstoned.
''Punters will get pie-eyed at the pub.‘‘Worse - give women an inch, and they'll use it to raise the hem on the burqa. Next the lads have impure thoughts and tell off jokes. We'll go to hell in a handcart. Honestly God, you need to do better.''
‘‘But those are all harmless, tiddlywink sins,'' snorted God. ‘‘Besides Moses, you don't know the future like I do. There's going to be a plague of sins. I foresee churches and mosques, Popes and Presbyterians.
''They'll invent new sins by the truckload. ‘‘I'm facing an absolute bloody nightmare. Think of the coming workload for the sin clerks who write up the Book of Judgement.
''Did you know I constructed the average male so he'll have an impure thought every 103 seconds?
‘‘So there's no ‘impure thoughts' commandment. And fornication? Look, there's fornicators who can't even spell it.''
God's eyes gleamed.
‘‘Mind you, I'm fed up with garden gnomes. So I'll ban graven images. The ‘No More Gnomes' rule makes nine, and seeing you're being ridiculous, here's your Number 10.
''‘Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's ox, nor his donkey.' Satisfied?''
It's Christmas, so I'll add an 11th commandment. Make sure you call by the Jeffery Harris exhibition at the Dunedin Public Art Gallery.
No need to explain - you'll understand when you see it. It's that good.
● John Lapsley is an Arrowtown writer
