Douglas Clark, of Dunedin, speculates on new uses for the Forsyth Barr Stadium.
It's naive to believe the Forsyth Barr Stadium can trade its way out of its financial situation and resulting debt to the citizens of Dunedin by conventional strategies ...concerts, sports, conventions etc. Some extreme "outside the box" innovative thinking is required. I think I have the solution.
The Forsyth Barr Stadium is leased for 99 years to the Americans for a sum of $250 million, specifically to the American military, who will set it up as "sister" detention centre to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. The new centre would be called Loganamo Bay.
The American Administration would jump at this opportunity on a number of counts.
Following the continuous worldwide condemnation of Guantanamo Bay, President Barak Obama would be delighted to rid himself of this weeping sore and, with presidential elections imminent, would be able to assure Americans he had fulfilled one of his earlier election promises.
Furthermore, the New Zealand Government, in a fit of largesse, would agree for the detainees to be put on trial through the New Zealand legal system. Given that most of the detainees have been incarcerated since the early 2000s, our legal system, having ascertained that they had been detained for too many years without coming to trial, would then release them.
Furthermore, the Americans, having been kicked out of Okinawa, are frantically looking for further "toeholds" in the Pacific region. The CIA in Washington has been looking with dismay at the increasing Chinese influence in New Zealand, such as cow numbers, and will be keen to monitor this frightening trend. If Loganamo Bay were to become a surveillance base from which the Americans covertly monitored this alarming trend, we Dunedinites could overlook this in exchange for the benefits described below.
So how does all this help the poor besieged ratepayers of Dunedin?
It is simple. The initial financial lease agreement "pays off" the stadium in one stroke.
But there is much much more that would allow Dunedin to once again become an economically vibrant New Zealand city ... to have a modern, up-to-date sewerage and water system, a clean and efficient bus network, a library for South Dunedin and perhaps one of Edvard Munch's The Scream paintings hanging in our public art gallery!
Since only a small proportion of Loganamo Bay would be physically required for the above-mentioned American activities, the remaining portion, the present playing field and stand seating, could be given to the city for a specific activity ... the intensive hydroponic farming of marijuana. There already exists in the region substantial expertise in this activity that could be harnessed, and the "glasshouse" structure and terracing make it an ideal hydroponic venue.
Using their experience with Guantanamo Bay, the Americans could easily condone this (at present) illegal activity by once again ignoring all international laws and conventions by describing the facility, as one commentator did, as "the legal equivalent to outer space". In other words, "it doesn't exist".
Logic would then dictate that since the facility doesn't exist, the substance grown there has no legal status and therefore also "does not exist".
This would then allow the sale of the substance.
Because it does not legally exist, its sale cannot be a crime.
There would be many spin-offs for the Dunedin economy from this activity.
Forget those checkout-chick jobs down Andy Bay Rd. There would be hundreds of jobs available at this labour-intensive facility. In fact, four times the number required for any one day could be employed, as due to the generous staff discounts on the product, three-quarters of the workforce on any given day would not bother to turn up to work. Result?
Dunedin's unemployment rate (zero?) would be the envy of the rest of New Zealand.
Existing local industry could benefit substantially. Speight's Breweries could substitute marijuana leaves for hop leaves in its brewing process and develop a new product that would find a profitable niche market. The thick haze over much of the city from the employees using their generous staff discount privileges would drift into the open windows of the Cadbury factory. (Councils could do nothing about this under any Clean Air Act as, remember, it doesn't legally exist). These fog particles would infiltrate the chocolate and create an escalating worldwide demand. Cadbury could then claim in its advertisements: "A leaf and a-half ... "
The facility's social conscience could be appeased, too. A certain percentage of the product could be donated to the Southern District Health Board, which could save millions a year on conventional analgesics, thus allowing waiting lists for elective surgery to disappear.
There would be social spin-offs, too. The American beefcake Loganamo Bay personnel would easily substitute for their rugby predecessors at the all-night testosterone-fuelled shenanigans around town.
Couch burning and Hyde St parties would be a thing of the past as new inter-cultural-initiated activities, such as waterboarding in the Water of Leith, challenged the future leaders of our nation.
And what of rugby?
I am sure sponsorship would be forthcoming with this buoyant growth in economic activity and $10 million or so from the initial lease agreement could go towards an upgrade of Carisbrook. The "House of Pain" would be up and running again and the Otago rugby team should be rebranded as the Otago Firebirds (firebird being another name for the "rising from the ashes" mythical bird, the phoenix).
We might even allow the odd game of gridiron there.
